Nothing Can Separate Us

From the love of God. Over the past long, arduous three months, I have longed to feel the love of God on a minute by minute basis. Sometimes my pain is so great that I think I am uncapable of any other feeling. I have rarely in my life felt emotional pain that hurt so badly that you actually feel it in your body. The death of my "auntie Lil" when I was thirteen years old gave me my first taste of that kind of sadness. But since then it has been rare. In some of my times of sadness over the last few months, I would cry out to God to take this pain away from me, being too much for me to handle in any given moment. And I'll tell you, it scares me that we are capable of such feelings. People have asked me if God has been a comfort to me during this time. I have replied that without God, I could not have survived, and that is true. I have testified to non-believers at school that without the hope that I have in God who is in control of all and promises eternal life with Him, that I couldn't go on. But to my Christian friends, I have said that the comfort from God is still in my head, not my heart. I have still felt very jealous of those all around me who have been blessed with healthy children, or are carrying to term their healthy babies. I continue to ask God how He could allow this to happen to me and what good any of this will do. I continue to feel deep pain. Don't get me wrong, the head part of me knows that God has been by me every step of the way, guiding my path, keeping me alive, and giving me everything that I need. But sometimes it is hard to let any other feelings into the heart.

This morning I was struck by a verse I have read even in the past month, but hadn't noticed this. Try to read it like you are reading it for the first time (Romans 8:35,37-39):

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or danger or sword?...No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Nothing will be able to separate us. Nothing. That is what struck me. I have always read this verse as related somewhat to salvation. Once saved, always saved, right? Yeah, but I think there is more. It's talking about the love of God. When Paul talks about "death" we usually think of our own death. Death will not separate us from God if we are His children. But I thought of it in a different way this time. Even the death of my daughter, unforeseen by me, more painful than imagineable, even that, cannot separate me from receiving God's love. Even that pain which can seem to take up all the available space in my soul cannot push the love of God out. Why does Paul say that "in all these things we are more than conquerors?" It is a battle. The sin that entered the world through Adam has permeated human life and has allowed pain to exist. But through the death of Jesus on the cross, He has made it possible to overcome sin, and He has made us conquerors over the darkness. I know that He is fighting for my heart, and I know that even this death will not separate my soul from His love.

Our team leader, Stephen, sent us a blog post from John Piper last night. If you don't know John Piper, he is a pastor and author, a great man of God who's vision and writings have greatly affected this generation in godliness and missions. His son and daughter-in-law were due with a little girl this past Sunday (the 23rd). Like me, she went in for a check-up on Saturday after not feeling the baby move, and found out the same horrible news that we did three months ago. I appreciated Piper's words at the end of his post; while not profound, I found them to be poignant and somehow comforting:

"Noel and I lay in bed at about 3 AM after coming home from the delivery thinking: This seems so preventable. By God and by man. Yes. So easy. But neither man nor God prevented this. Man, because he did not know it was happening. God, because he has his wise and loving reasons that we wait to learn with tears and trust."
(to read his whole post, visit: http://www.desiringgod.org/Blog/829_felicity_margaret_piper/)

Trapped in a "Beautiful Alpine Village"

An adventure, yes. I just re-read my previous post and thought, wow, I guess I was in a good mood that day! There is something about culture that is ingrained into our very being, and there are those of us who have it even more tightly woven. How can I explain this? American culture as I have experienced it, excites me. Maybe it was growing up in LA, maybe it was just having a good childhood and a positive outlook on life, but in this small quiet "village" in France, I find myself longing for home. Really longing. It's not a longing that misses family and friends, although that is of course there as well. It's a longing that misses my culture. Do you know what I mean? It's a longing that misses being understood when you talk, not being thought of as uneducated becuase of your level of communication ability. It's a longing for familiarity. You know how the 10 freeway will always be backed up, regardless of if it is 3 in the morning? And you know how you know that if you have a craving for a Frappacino, there are at least 5 Starbucks within a mile of your house that would happy to provide you with one. Ever had those nights when you had a hard day and your husband or roommate is gone, and you curl up on your couch and flip on Nick at Night and watch old reruns of Full House and the Cosby Show? Have you ever gone to Pottery Barn or Crate and Barrell and just walked around for an hour pretending it was actually your house?

Yeah, well, that stuff, that's the stuff I miss. It's not something that I can explain. Are there daily traffic jams that I know about here in Chambery? Sure. Are there a million little coffee shops to get your caffine fix for the day? Of course! Do we have nearly 200 channels available on our TV because of our internet deal? Yes! Are there lots of fun stores to visit (okay, not really, but just pretend)? Sure. But it's not the same...Why not? It's a different culture. Yeah, the people are white and black and they do western sort of things, the food isn't all that weird, and manners are often similar. But it's not home. The things that are different are unplaceable. But for example, when I received a package from my mom this morning, aside from lots of other fun stuff, there were three things in there that actually made me cry. The first was a set of Turkey-shaped salt and pepper shakers (really cute, thanks mom!). Yeah, you know, the kind they start putting out in the beginning of August when Thanksgiving is still three months away? The second thing was a stuffed hedgehog (I like hedgehogs) that you squeeze and it makes little kissing noises. The third, a can of Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup. Yes, these things actually made me shed tears! See, despite the fact that we mock the array of fall clothing and merchandise in the store windows in July, you miss it when it's gone! It's a commonality that we all share as Americans. And the hedgehog? I love that we make stupid stuffed animals that say "squeeze me" on them that fill up our shelves and make us laugh. Yes, it's consumerism at it's worst, but you know what, you'd miss it! And the soup, yeah, we can't get that here. I grew up cooking with it, I mean it doesn't get more down home than that. And that's the one that really made me lose it...My culture, mailed to me in boxes so that I can have some semblance of my old life with me here. So sad...Okay, it's not the end of the world, and yes, people do adapt, but I believe I may just be one of those people who has my culture woven into my very being and will always be longing for the familiarity of home. I'm not, like, the kind of person who you would really call "open to change," if you know what I mean, making my life here and in Chad even more of an adventure! Well, don't forget to really take in the beauty of those traffic jams on your evening commute tonight; just for me!